Hello, This is Me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU

This video is ridiculous. It has no purpose except to make you laugh. At the very beginning, however, it kinda sorta has a pretty great message:

Marcel says: "I also have shoes and umm... a face, and I like that about myself and I like myself and I have other great qualities as well."

Video Bar

The title is irrelevant.

I cannot believe this week just happened. Do you ever go through something in your life and once it is over, stop and think about it and stand in amazement at the fact that it actually happened? How do we handle some things? How is it, that we can survive without stress eating us alive... How can we manage to wake up, day after day, after being beaten down... day after day. I really do not have an answer. Sometimes I feel like Jesus sits on the side of my bed and puts his arm around me and says "Sweetheart, this is going to be hard. You have no idea what today holds, but I do... and I'm glad I'm here for you." I know that Christ is always there. He is my strength and my song. Without him, I would be eaten alive by the life that I am unable to live on my own. I am so far from righteous. I am so far from what I've been called to be. I just... can't begin to tell you. I wish that I really was what people see me as, but unfortunately I'm terribly impatient, and terribly depressing, and terribly heartless. It's days like this when I have an out-of-body experience and realize what my flesh looks like.
I'm thankful for these days, it puts the mirror in front of my face and reminds me why I need grace.

"Grace, Grace... God's Grace...
Grace that is greater than all our sin..."

This is sooooo plain, and bland, and shallow... and normal...
but I would be an awful person without Christ. And so would you.

Directions

Let me just record some prayers I've prayed over the last 2 hours:

To God, From Me...
I hate being here, Lord. Do other Godly women feel this way? (I say that not because I feel Godly, but because I want to be Godly) I don't want to push him away, or do whatever this crap is called. I just want to be inside of your will. I want to know what your will is! My heart aches, so terribly. I want what you want, but I continue to do what I do. Whatever your will is, reveal it and give me what you feel is appropriate for this direction.
I want to be satisfied in you. I want to find my worth and value in who you are. Please ease the pain of this process... I know it will take time, but please ease the pain. Please. I want to find my joy in you. I want to tell my friends and family our love story. I'm trusting you to speak.


Isaiah 43.


Yes Lord. Peace with friendship now, Patience to let you work. Continue to speak through my dreams. Amen.


What a beautiful picture. I pray, he answers. I cry, he catches. I scream, he calms. That's what a father does. Thank God he's my father.

Updates

Wouldn't you say that a blog is a lot like having a xanga? Maybe it's just me, but I'm treating this thing the same way that I used my xanga. It's basically an online diary. With that out of the way... I'll update.

Missions

Oh man... two in one day!
I've been out at Mission Arlington in Texas for almost 10 weeks. I just recently arrived back at home yesterday. There's so much to say, I would have to, and should have been blogging for everyday.

Just some sp

timelines

It's been quite a while. I'm currently procrastinating and not doing summer school homework, which is detrimental because I'm already terribly behind.
I have an art. I am not a worrier. I prefer to never be in the know that way I am never in the worry. However, this usually proves to be a terrible philosophy.

Because I am not a worrier, I usually end up picking up the pieces from a mind explosion. I usually have plenty of reasons to worry, but never utilize them, which leaves me speechless when everything is resolved. I'm not sure if that made sense, but we're going to go with it.
Sometimes I just wish I could pause life. Summer usually makes me want this. I am naturally lazy, and I desire very little. Having to do things and having deadlines just makes me that much more lazy. I have no idea how I've managed to make it 21 years now, but somehow the Lord has seen fit to keep me around.
This is kind of silly, but I really wish I could just be a missionary for the rest of my life. I spent an entire summer being a missionary to Mission Arlington and I loved it. It is the kind of busy that I enjoy, alot. I enjoy doing physical work and planning for lessons, I don't enjoy doing mental work and planning for school. I am 95% positive that this isn't my calling, however. I'm pretty sure that God has constantly called me out of my comfort zone.. which means, an elementary school teacher.
I'm still unsure how he's going to make that work, but we'll definitely see.

Allergies

I never knew I had 'em.
I woke up this morning with an ichy throat, watery eyes, and unable to breathe. I wabbled into the bathroom only to discover the wretchedness of my apperance. As everyone does on the last week of class, I put some clothes on and went to class. As I was headed to class, I got a craving for some Jon Foreman. I popped it in, reset my headphones, and walked with ease.
"House of God, Forever."

As I sat in class, I became even more gross. By the time I reached my apartment, I thought I was going to pass out. And I was right.

I slept for a good 2.5 hours. I don't usually take naps, but this one was needed. I had a series of crazy dreams, which have been happening often here lately. I then proceeded to go to Docs Place to grab some lunch and found myself, with my lunch, in the art building. A good friend of mine was working on his final project, and I decided to be a good samaritan and help him out. Nearly 2 hours later, I made my way to my only destination for the day, the Library.

I spent the next 3 hours wearing myself out.

Here I am, almost 6 hours later, still procrastinating.
Dumb Allergies.

Friends

I met someone today.
It was amazing... and my eyes were opened.
His name is Paul.

Let me start at the beginning... last semester I dated a fellow. We got pretty serious before we broke up over Christmas break. During our relationship, he made me think that he was this wonderful person, that everyone else picked on and was horribly mean to, so of course I sympathized with him. After we broke up, I began learning the real him. He wasn't all sweet and innocent like I thought. He

Mondays

Yesterday. Which was Sunday, I almost had a break down. I'm a procrastinator, and I wait until the last possible moment to do something, then I procrastinate some more. For instance:
this week...
Today, I have to work on a project due tomorrow (which I am currently doing, I'm just taking a break) I've got to finish up some homework that's due tomorrow as well, and I have 1140 bible study tonight that I lead.
Tomorrow isn't so bad, but I have to spend most of that day getting things ready for Wednesday, because Wednesday is that bad.
I have a project due on Wednesday and a test that morning, and... I know there's something else I'm just blanking out at the moment.

Sunday night I'm thinking about what all I've gotten myself into. I didn't have to be here. When I signed up for college and declared my major, I didn't sign my life away saying that I would be this stressed. It's my own fault. And I realize this completely. I was having my time with Jesus this morning when he opened my eyes pretty wide:

Joshua 3:9
" Joshua said to the Israelites, 'Come here and listen to the words of the Lord your God.' "

Pretty straight forward... But how do we hear God? And better yet... What's he saying? Here's what he said to me:

Before making you schedule, take time to focus on what I want from all your activities. Knowing what I have said before you rush into your day can help you avoid foolish mistakes.

I replied with my mouth wide open and that verse forever embedded on my heart.
How often do we have quiet times that hit us so hard until we actually HEAR what God has to say? The answer I would give for that question: very rarely.

Headaches

I work at a Christian Bookstore in Russellville called Heart and Soul. The title is from the command in Matthew to "love the Lord your God with all your Heart and Soul and Mind." I've been an employee there since October of 2009. It was a huge change from my past jobs. Ever since I've been able to work, I've worked at daycares, or I've baby sat. Simply because I'm going to be a teacher, so I should do that.
I needed a break, so I applied for Heart and Soul, and I was hired, obviously.

The first day on the job, my boss; Pam, told me a few things. She said that she had been in the business for 10 years now, and nothing could suprise her. I didn't figure so, I mean... 10 years on the job! I'd imagine you'd know all the secrets and suprises.

I went to work this past Thursday, February 25, 2010 (incase you don't know) and the first thing Pam said to me, at 12 o'clock pm (the store had been open for two hours now) was, "It's definitely been a day today!" of course, I said... "What do you mean by that?" Pam replied with a variety of stories, from deaths to church problems. All in two hours. Pam takes on a whole lot, just by owning a Christian bookstore in a medium-sized town in Arkansas. She has the burden of holding other people's guilt, holding them while they cry and promising to help them carry their burden. She's phenomonal. She has headaches. She prays and gives everything to her savior.

What a beautiful picture of what we're supposed to be. Pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up, but blessed is the man who has a friend to walk with him along the way. (that's the Jessie translation, not the NIV or the ESV or anything.) Blessed. We're blessed if we help others carry their burdens to the cross.

Dear Lord, help me to be burdened, so I can experience what it feels like to give them to you, in complete surrender.